Fat Diva Gets Jiggy

Fat Divas can Dance
Okay anybody who knows me know I love to dance. I will be the first one to the dance floor and the last one to leave. This Fat Diva can hang with them all. I am the same person where ever I go so when I am at church I like to move. Just like David, I dance before the Lord. As a Fat Diva this requires a little room. My hubby and I have worked on our sitting church relationship so much that he now rocks so that I am not doing the bump with him every Sunday. Thank ya Lord. I thought I was going to have to do a pew check on my own hubby!

Whoever has sat beside me in church know I like to get “Jiggy for Jesus.” Now let’s put this in perspective. I am presently going to a church that is progressive but has that old traditional spirit as well. The chairs are a little bigger than most that I have seen so I am usually good. But there are times when the Ushers (or gate keepers or whatever special name your church has for them) and I have an issue. My hubby was an usher so I know they have a job to do and they have orders just as anybody else. I understand how they want to get as many people inside the sanctuary as possible so that no one misses out on the Word of God. And I understand that we as Christians are suppose to be obedient to them as they direct us to our seat (no matter how much you hate sitting in that section cause you know that lady who praises God through the gift of vey loud and long clapping through the entire service will be there—Yeah she got a right to clap- I know I know I know…I am just being real when I say it interrupts my worship in the stillness of the presence of God and I prayed that God put me in such a trance that I don’t hear her. I guess I need to pray more huh LOL) I understand all of that. Anyway, I took a side road, back to the issue at hand.. I really want to know do the usher trainers talk to ushers about sitting two fat people right next to each other and expect them to fit exactly in those seats without any spillage over into someone else’s space. LOL For Real it is a problem for me. This brings about Fat Diva Rule #3: Fat Divas should really try and get an end seat in church if possible to ensure room for getting “Jiggy for Jesus!”

Two Fat Divas Sitting Side by Side
So there was a time in church when I was not able to follow Fat Diva Rule #3! My church got strict about where people sat during service. They wanted you to fill in the rows in an entire section before they would open another section. Therefore whoever you so happen to walk into church with was who you would be sitting by in the service. So I get to church early cause I love Praise and Worship Service and don’t like to miss it. The ushers (not looking so happy) had her hand out pointing where she wanted me to go and like a good little Christian (this time anyway-LOL) I followed her hand. To my surprise when I turned into the row I see another Fat Diva that would be my butt bumping buddy of the day! Usually I love talking to other Fat Divas and listening to their struggles and successes with life but in church when I am ready to get “Jiggy for Jesus” is not the time for this. I mean we were crammed into the middle of the row together for 2 hours with only room to slide a piece of paper in between us just so we didn’t stick together (You know the way they do the cheese in the deli when you get it sliced. They put a piece a paper in between each slice so that they don’t stick together LOL). So I sucked it up and smiled because they had put a slim chick on the other side of me. So I thought hey this might not be too bad I can just steal some of this skinny girl praise space ( She wasn’t looking like she was in the mood to get “Jiggy for Jesus” so I knew this would work for the both of us).

After the scripture was read the praise team came on stage and the instruments began to play a beautiful song unto the Lord and I felt my jigginess for Jesus starting to wind up in my spirit. My fellow Fat Diva was starting to feel her jigginess for Jesus as well because we started rubbing at the arm level with occasional bumps on the hips. At this point I put my steal a skinny girl praise space plan into effect. This might have worked but she had decided to change her sour spirit and get into praising God herself. Finally I was on the row that was rocking it out for God and I was trapped with only my head free to worship. So I became a head banger. Up and down and side to side. I tried to even shake it a little for a little variety. My body wanted to move but it couldn’t. I was trapped.

Fat Diva and the Horizontal and Vertical Worship
This is when another Fat Diva Rule became handy. Fat Diva Rule #4: Fat Divas must always have a plan B when dealing with issues with their body in any and every situation they may find themselves in. So …. I was always a horizontal worshipper! I moved east to west. My hips swayed like a street walker on Two Notch Road (my SC peeps know about this) and my hands moved like windshield wipers on a hot rainy day. Yeah if you were sitting beside me watch your face you might get smacked by a crazy for Jesus hand –LOL. My plan B was to switch my physical worship style. I simply had to change my horizontal worship style and become a vertical worshipper. (This is true in the spirit as well and will go into that later) So I began to jump up and down.. Yes all of this Fat Diva went up off the floor and back down for 15 minutes or so. My spirit was leaping for Jesus and I had not thought about others around me. Not only had my worship physically became vertical but my worship became spiritually vertical as well. Meaning I was no longer concerned about those around me and how I looked or felt. I was in WORSHIP! It was with God alone. That was great and was what I needed. So I did fix my problem of wanting to get Jiggy for Jesus while sitting by another Fat Diva but now I had another set of problems that came into play.

Fat Diva and the Sacrifice of Praise
So that Sunday I had the opportunity to worship and praise God in a new way. A way I had never experienced him before. Let’s just look at what happened. I was jumping. For those who know me Fat Diva does not jump. This includes jump rope and high impact aerobics. My body is not built for coming off the earth and coming back down in quick movements. It requires special attention. There are parts that don’t move easily and they hurt if they are moved to quickly as they would do in jumping. So while jumping in church that Sunday with my vertical praise and worship, I didn’t feel a thing.. Kinda don’t remember feeling the weight of my body at all.. (One more reason I know there is a GOD and he is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all we can ask or think!!!) So I felt nothing ..That is .. until….. MONDAY!!! On Monday morning I woke up and could not get out the bed LOLOLOL ! I felt like my knees had been hit with a sledge hammer and my upper body felt like I was in the gym with 100lb weights the day before. I was sore all over! So then came Fat Diva Rule # 4: All Fat Divas who have received a double or triple blessings of breasts, hips, butts, and thighs should always wear their best supporting bra (no sagging bras please) AND a sports bra AND a partial or full girdle that holds you so tight that you get a little light headed --to church, or any other place you might have to jump! No one needs a black eye or the vision of your body fat being displaced all over the place in their head for the rest of their life. It is not one of the most flattering moments in a Fat Diva’s life!! LOL After some pain pills and a soak (in a Garden Tub of course) with some Epsom Salt (Y’all don’t know nothing about that)… I was good to go!!

Lesson Learned: Fat Divas can still get “Jiggy for Jesus” even when our bodies put us in the most uncomfortable positions for Praise and Worship but we just have to remember that when putting on the whole Armor of God we must include our supportive Bras and literally breathtaking Girdles!

Until Next Time **Smwah** Enjoy the Journey
Fat Diva

Fat Diva and The Bike

Okay so I go over to my girl’s house and she has a bike. I thought hum… I am bored with walking on the treadmill and elliptical so maybe riding a bike would be great exercise. So I get on her bike and the seat disappears somewhere in my butt crack!! LOL No Lie. It hurt like heck! I had to remind that bike that my behind is a one way traffic zone. Everything exits nothing enters! LOL But I continued to test it out. Fat Diva Rule # 1 Always give things you have to sit on a test before applying all of your weight! This goes for bikes, chairs, beds, old church benches, and yes even the first time you use your own toilet. Rules are in random order) So I sat down only halfway and I thought the tire was going down but my friend assured me that it wasn’t and off I went scared to death. It had been at least 15 years since I rode a bike but you never forget. It felt so free with wind blowing on me that I left her house and immediately began shopping for a bike.
Being cheap I started at Walmart. Fat Diva Rule #2: Big Girls can’t buy cheap things like stockings, girdles, bikes, or even clothes in your normal size but if you go up a size or two it might work for you! LOL So I went into Wally World and tried a couple of bikes but the tires just weren’t holding all of this woman. So after all of my embarrassing moments in the middle of the toy sections with screaming little kids breaking toys they ain’t gonna buy, I finally decided that I needed a bike that could hold a woman of substance. And this is exactly what I said when calling REI cycle shop in Buford! The man on the phone had to clear his throat and ask me what I meant by a woman of substance. So I told him I was a fat girl and I gave him my weight! Close your mouth because I did give him that number! I had to know this bike was going to hold me before I went to another store and got my big behind on the bike in front of everyone! Long story short… I paid mucho dinero for my bike. It isn’t the most stylish but it is comfortable. Yes my seat is for full coverage butts! Just like I am built for comfort, so is my bike. I obeyed Fat Diva Rule #1 and gave it my test and it passed with flying colors. Fat Diva just brought her a MILK TRUCK BIKE!!! With a BELL!!! LOL
Fat Diva vs The Hill
So I got my bike, got my bike rack, and got my cute bike riding outfit ( a little off the shoulder 1980’s style workout shirt with matching shorts- you know I got to be cute- forgot it at home in the pic above) Off I went or not went! I have a hill in my neighborhood that is a killer. I rode up the hill and to the end of the street and I couldn’t breathe! How can you be cute if you got sweat falling into your eyes so one eye is closed and your lip has rolled up in one corner because your legs hurt like heck! So that first day I only rode 10 minutes. Don’t laugh it was much harder than I had anticipated.
The next day it got a little better but I also went onto the main road. Okay I know it is not every day that you drive around a curve and see a FAT DIVA on a bike pedaling as fast as she can but dang keep your eyes on the road so that I am not a DEAD FAT DIVA!! I really don’t want to get a helmet!! I am already attracting enough attention as it is so please don’t make me put something on my head. (Please don’t show this to the bike safety people, I can’t afford to get pulled over on my bicycle and get a ticket!) Most people are shocked and you can see it in their eyes. It is the people who stare like they just saw a unicorn or big foot that get me! A lot of people say fat people just need to exercise and push back from the table so whenever I do exercise I get those stares that burn me up inside! That is another topic for a blog: Fat Diva at the Gym!
So my bike experiences have been an adventure! I am up to 45 minutes and looking cute. I am no longer breathing hard and curling up my lip! And I have lost 9lbs!! Whoo Hoo
Lesson Learned: Fat Divas can ride bikes too just not the 98 dollar bikes from Wally World!! You gotta invest some money into it!
Until next time Smwah Enjoy the Journey

Welcome

Welcome to Memoirs of a Fat Diva! I am so excited about sharing my life with you. Some big girls are mad at me right now because I call myself a FAT Diva. Isn’t that what it really is… FAT! I know we don’t like to use this word because it is considered rude and mean. So we have words like… full figured, plus size, voluptuous, and even big boned (LOL)! But I am fat and have been fat for a long time.. since birth I think. I have been on every diet from Weight Watchers to the 3 day Cabbage Diet (don’t ask me where that one came from). Right now I am trying to cut back and exercise. We will see how this works out. No I am not depressed about my size. Although at times it does get in the way of some things I want to do. I am not extremely happy with my size either. Let’s just say if I lose weight great and if I don’t oh well that is nothing new. I just want to be healthy. Right now believe it or not I am healthier than some of my slimmer sisters. I don’t have high blood pressure or any heart problems. So I consider myself blessed and highly favored. This is the Fat Diva saying.. Smwah! Enjoy the journey