Fat Diva Gets Jiggy

Fat Divas can Dance
Okay anybody who knows me know I love to dance. I will be the first one to the dance floor and the last one to leave. This Fat Diva can hang with them all. I am the same person where ever I go so when I am at church I like to move. Just like David, I dance before the Lord. As a Fat Diva this requires a little room. My hubby and I have worked on our sitting church relationship so much that he now rocks so that I am not doing the bump with him every Sunday. Thank ya Lord. I thought I was going to have to do a pew check on my own hubby!

Whoever has sat beside me in church know I like to get “Jiggy for Jesus.” Now let’s put this in perspective. I am presently going to a church that is progressive but has that old traditional spirit as well. The chairs are a little bigger than most that I have seen so I am usually good. But there are times when the Ushers (or gate keepers or whatever special name your church has for them) and I have an issue. My hubby was an usher so I know they have a job to do and they have orders just as anybody else. I understand how they want to get as many people inside the sanctuary as possible so that no one misses out on the Word of God. And I understand that we as Christians are suppose to be obedient to them as they direct us to our seat (no matter how much you hate sitting in that section cause you know that lady who praises God through the gift of vey loud and long clapping through the entire service will be there—Yeah she got a right to clap- I know I know I know…I am just being real when I say it interrupts my worship in the stillness of the presence of God and I prayed that God put me in such a trance that I don’t hear her. I guess I need to pray more huh LOL) I understand all of that. Anyway, I took a side road, back to the issue at hand.. I really want to know do the usher trainers talk to ushers about sitting two fat people right next to each other and expect them to fit exactly in those seats without any spillage over into someone else’s space. LOL For Real it is a problem for me. This brings about Fat Diva Rule #3: Fat Divas should really try and get an end seat in church if possible to ensure room for getting “Jiggy for Jesus!”

Two Fat Divas Sitting Side by Side
So there was a time in church when I was not able to follow Fat Diva Rule #3! My church got strict about where people sat during service. They wanted you to fill in the rows in an entire section before they would open another section. Therefore whoever you so happen to walk into church with was who you would be sitting by in the service. So I get to church early cause I love Praise and Worship Service and don’t like to miss it. The ushers (not looking so happy) had her hand out pointing where she wanted me to go and like a good little Christian (this time anyway-LOL) I followed her hand. To my surprise when I turned into the row I see another Fat Diva that would be my butt bumping buddy of the day! Usually I love talking to other Fat Divas and listening to their struggles and successes with life but in church when I am ready to get “Jiggy for Jesus” is not the time for this. I mean we were crammed into the middle of the row together for 2 hours with only room to slide a piece of paper in between us just so we didn’t stick together (You know the way they do the cheese in the deli when you get it sliced. They put a piece a paper in between each slice so that they don’t stick together LOL). So I sucked it up and smiled because they had put a slim chick on the other side of me. So I thought hey this might not be too bad I can just steal some of this skinny girl praise space ( She wasn’t looking like she was in the mood to get “Jiggy for Jesus” so I knew this would work for the both of us).

After the scripture was read the praise team came on stage and the instruments began to play a beautiful song unto the Lord and I felt my jigginess for Jesus starting to wind up in my spirit. My fellow Fat Diva was starting to feel her jigginess for Jesus as well because we started rubbing at the arm level with occasional bumps on the hips. At this point I put my steal a skinny girl praise space plan into effect. This might have worked but she had decided to change her sour spirit and get into praising God herself. Finally I was on the row that was rocking it out for God and I was trapped with only my head free to worship. So I became a head banger. Up and down and side to side. I tried to even shake it a little for a little variety. My body wanted to move but it couldn’t. I was trapped.

Fat Diva and the Horizontal and Vertical Worship
This is when another Fat Diva Rule became handy. Fat Diva Rule #4: Fat Divas must always have a plan B when dealing with issues with their body in any and every situation they may find themselves in. So …. I was always a horizontal worshipper! I moved east to west. My hips swayed like a street walker on Two Notch Road (my SC peeps know about this) and my hands moved like windshield wipers on a hot rainy day. Yeah if you were sitting beside me watch your face you might get smacked by a crazy for Jesus hand –LOL. My plan B was to switch my physical worship style. I simply had to change my horizontal worship style and become a vertical worshipper. (This is true in the spirit as well and will go into that later) So I began to jump up and down.. Yes all of this Fat Diva went up off the floor and back down for 15 minutes or so. My spirit was leaping for Jesus and I had not thought about others around me. Not only had my worship physically became vertical but my worship became spiritually vertical as well. Meaning I was no longer concerned about those around me and how I looked or felt. I was in WORSHIP! It was with God alone. That was great and was what I needed. So I did fix my problem of wanting to get Jiggy for Jesus while sitting by another Fat Diva but now I had another set of problems that came into play.

Fat Diva and the Sacrifice of Praise
So that Sunday I had the opportunity to worship and praise God in a new way. A way I had never experienced him before. Let’s just look at what happened. I was jumping. For those who know me Fat Diva does not jump. This includes jump rope and high impact aerobics. My body is not built for coming off the earth and coming back down in quick movements. It requires special attention. There are parts that don’t move easily and they hurt if they are moved to quickly as they would do in jumping. So while jumping in church that Sunday with my vertical praise and worship, I didn’t feel a thing.. Kinda don’t remember feeling the weight of my body at all.. (One more reason I know there is a GOD and he is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all we can ask or think!!!) So I felt nothing ..That is .. until….. MONDAY!!! On Monday morning I woke up and could not get out the bed LOLOLOL ! I felt like my knees had been hit with a sledge hammer and my upper body felt like I was in the gym with 100lb weights the day before. I was sore all over! So then came Fat Diva Rule # 4: All Fat Divas who have received a double or triple blessings of breasts, hips, butts, and thighs should always wear their best supporting bra (no sagging bras please) AND a sports bra AND a partial or full girdle that holds you so tight that you get a little light headed --to church, or any other place you might have to jump! No one needs a black eye or the vision of your body fat being displaced all over the place in their head for the rest of their life. It is not one of the most flattering moments in a Fat Diva’s life!! LOL After some pain pills and a soak (in a Garden Tub of course) with some Epsom Salt (Y’all don’t know nothing about that)… I was good to go!!

Lesson Learned: Fat Divas can still get “Jiggy for Jesus” even when our bodies put us in the most uncomfortable positions for Praise and Worship but we just have to remember that when putting on the whole Armor of God we must include our supportive Bras and literally breathtaking Girdles!

Until Next Time **Smwah** Enjoy the Journey
Fat Diva