The past has a weird habit of popping up at a moments notice! Just when you think you are beyond what has happened or what did not happen, there it is staring you right in the face. But it is cool! You got this! You have replayed this moment twenty thousand hundred Katillion times in your head. You are prepared and you are in control of the situation. You know exactly what you are going to say. You have rehearsed it in front of a mirror or your stuffed animals (yeah some grown folk still do the stuff animal thing). You have practiced your neck rolls, your fake smile, and your hands on your hips. And when the moment comes and you are staring at your past eyeball to eyeball...........BLAWWWW... nothing goes as planned!
The past could be that past love you thought you were so over but with one hug or even a slight glance your heart melts all over again. Or it could be the battle with your drug of choice you thought you won and defeated but on second glance there you are back up against the ropes once again. It could even be that way of thinking you thought you buried with your past a long time ago but there it is back controlling your actions and thoughts.
Think about what is said about the past. Some of it is positive while some of it is negative. Some say we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, use them as stepping stones instead of burdens that bring our life to a place of disappointment, destruction, and depression. Others say we are supposed to look through our windshields and not our rear view mirrors forever pressing toward or goals, dreams, and wishes. One minute we are glorifying the past and the next we are trying to forget it ever existed. What are we suppose to do with our past? How should it help us grow into the person we are predestined to be? What if we want to re-live our past? Is this even an option to take? These are the questions that lead me to update my memoirs.
If I honestly take a look at my past relationships with diets, food, and exercise I always find comfort in my successful attempts! No matter how small they were or if I was able to sustain them. But this is bitter sweet because as I said before to have believed you won the battle and realized you were standing on the ropes with your hands raised in the air in triumph prematurely, is a place of disappointment. Not disappointed because you failed but disappointed because you are still in this same battle you thought was over. This battle has lasted for years and years. You decide on your attack plan (diet plan or way of healthy living) and you put your gloves on and then the bell rings. Twenty years later you are still fighting like it was the first round. Your plan of attack may change but you are still in the battle. So now I am at a place where I wonder will I ever win this battle. (Please no cheerleader pep talk right now! Sometimes we need to just face reality). Who knows! Maybe I am in the wrong battle (That is something I need to meditate on- UPCOMING: Fat Diva and The Wrong Battle) Am I in the wrong battle?
On a happier note! Sometimes the past gives you just what you need to spring you into your future. It reminds you of your tenacity to fight to the end! It reminds you of all of the positive attributes that you have been showered with through out your life. It reminds you that you don't have to stay down but you can get back up again!
So I am here today to say THANK YOU PAST! Thank you for reminding me that I am loved. Thank you for reminding me of why I am loved. Thank you for reminding me that I am special. Thank you for reminding me that I am the mountain top! Thank you for giving me the strength and courage to want to fight again! Although we have had our moments of disappointment and tears, you came through for me just when I needed you the most!
FatDiva is back in the ring but this time I am not on the ropes chanting my name prematurely, I am not jumping in fighting any opponent who enters within my kinesphere, I am not punching in poor form with only frustration to fuel my strength. But I am in my corner of the ring, with my hair pulled back, my gloves on tight, my eyes wide open, and my brain ready to prepare my next precise attack against my true opponents!
FatDiva Rule #26: A FatDiva cannot lose the battle or be defeated if she keeps getting back up! The fight is still on!
Lesson Learned: The past can come to restore what was!
