Thursday, June 30, 2011
For years I have prayed to God and asked him to help me lose weight. I can truthfully say this prayer has been going on for over 25 years. I have believed in God most of my life and have felt his presence but until this year I have not really tapped into his power, his love, and his way of life for me. My prayers were selfishly motivated with minimal “thank you God’s” followed by long lists of wants driven by selfishness, what I thought and what I felt emotionally.
Often as I reflect on these prayers I see they were not at all seeking guidance and direction but more fantasy driven. I wanted God to pop out of his heavenly place and grant me my 3, or most times more, wishes or miracles so I would then be happy. I didn’t want to have to do anything for them either. You know the scripture, “Ask and it shall be given!” Seemed like the perfect plan to me! NOT!! Because I was still not only fat, I was heading toward morbidly obesedom. ( Yes, it is a word in FatDiva’s dictionary!)
After spending some quality, not the 5 min prayer morning and night, but quality time with God and his Word, and writing daily in my journey of reflection, I have some understandings about my life that I just want to share...
Revelation #1 : God is not my genie! I can’t just come to him in time of need and bark our requests and expect them to happen and most important remain a constant in my life without any work on my part.
Revelation #2: I have to be an active participant in the miracle. I can’t want to be a smaller size and still eat my 3 C’s (cakes, cookies, and chips). I can’t want to be able to sit in an airplane seat comfortably and not work out and live an active life. I can’t want to be able to shop in a regular, non -plus size, store and still be able to eat what I want, when I want, and how much I want! That is not my reality! That is actually my insanity. I have to be a willing participant in this and not depend on my own power to be able to do it. I would never be able to give up my 3 C’s by my own power. It is just not happening.
Revelation #3: I had to seek a higher power, God: Jesus: Holy Spirit, to help me give up my own way of life in order to live in the abundance of joy he has prepared for me! (That is my miracle, being able to submit to a new way of life).
Because of these revelations, my daily prayers have changed over the last couple of months. They no longer consist of my selfishly motivated requests but sound similar to this prayer:
God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thy will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. (12 Steps of Recovery: 3rd Step Prayer)
So my question to you is ... What is your miracle that you have NOT been an active participant? Have we asked to be financially stable and debt free but don’t want to give up our abundant purchases of shoes and accessories (Ouch! I stepped on my own toe). Have we asked to find or be found by our perfect mate but don’t want to surrender our unrealistic list of qualities over to God? Have we asked for a career change and don’t want to give up our own aspirations of financial or status based success to fulfill our purpose through God’s eyes? Or have we asked for a complete makeover of our life and just want to sit on the sidelines and wait for our miracle to come from our “genie in a bottle?” No judgments just food for your thoughts?
Fat Diva Rule # 28: Be an active participant in your Miracle.
Lesson Learned: Most things you strive for in life will not come without you being an active and willing participant in the process!
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
It’s been a while and I have lots to say! First of all this battle of the bulge is more complex than I had originally thought. I use to think that this was a one on one fight! There was me, FATDIVA, in one corner and the physical WEIGHT in the other. If I ate right and exercised then my troubles would be over. If this was true then I would be a size 0 by now! I am the queen of losing weight but what I couldn’t figure out was how to keep it off.
This is when it gets a little deep so I am using a metaphor of wrestling! See I thought I was in this one on one fight but little did I know this was a tag team battle. I wasn’t winning because I didn’t even know I had more opponents who wanted to fight me at the same time? This would maybe work if I had a partner. But where was my partner? Can you say UNFAIR FIGHT! My battle was no longer just a fight against my physical weight but I realized I was fighting my emotional instability as well. And there I was without any help (so I thought)!
I never could understand why I couldn’t keep the weight off and could never win the battle. Now I know! Every time I would lose weight and would seem to have the weight issue on the ropes, my emotional instability would come and hit me from behind. And I would run into the arms of my first love (food)! Up against the ropes once again being double teamed. I would just lose once again (for the slow folk,... that means I would gain the weight back).
What I didn’t realize is I have a tag team partner, my spirituality, better known as my relationship with God, which I could use to help me with my battle. He is standing ringside waiting for me to tag him in. In the past, I would only cry out in hurt and anguish over me losing the battle but never really asked him to join the fight with me. I never tagged him into the battle and therefore I was losing every round no matter how hard I was fighting. The physical and the emotional issues were kicking my butt daily and not until I started tagging him in, seeking God for guidance and understanding and just basically building our relationship, did I fully understand this fight and began to win.
As a result, I had a “behind the scenes” view of my life...and my struggle with food. It, my weight issue, was like a cancer (Side NOTE: I know another metaphor!! Yeah Jesus spoke in parables so everyone could understand where he was coming from, so there you go!! )
Where was I, oh yeah, CANCER... my weight started in my physical body but started to affect my emotional stability and my spiritual growth. And actually I am not even sure if it started with my physical body but in reality it was my emotional instability that started it all. So what do we do with cancer, we fight it! So that is what I am doing! I am fighting against this problem. But the key is not to just fight where the cancer started but in all the places it has spread because if I don’t it will keep coming back! I mean that literally because I have lost and gained the same hundreds of pounds over and over again in my life. I wasn’t fixing all of the things that were making me fat and fatter!
In order for me to have this excessive weight gone I would have to have a plan that not only helps me address my physical issues but deals with my emotional issues as well. And I can only do it by tagging in my partner, God! He will be able to fight when I am down on the ropes, he will be able to give me strength when I am physically exhausted and emotionally drained. He will be the source of my strength and power. All I have to do is TAG HIM IN!
Fat Diva Rule # 36: When you are being double teamed by your physical desires and your emotional distress don’t forget you have a partner and all you have to do is TAG HIM IN.
Lesson Learned: In the battle of the bulge, things are always not as they appear on first glance.
Friday, July 30, 2010
The past has a weird habit of popping up at a moments notice! Just when you think you are beyond what has happened or what did not happen, there it is staring you right in the face. But it is cool! You got this! You have replayed this moment twenty thousand hundred Katillion times in your head. You are prepared and you are in control of the situation. You know exactly what you are going to say. You have rehearsed it in front of a mirror or your stuffed animals (yeah some grown folk still do the stuff animal thing). You have practiced your neck rolls, your fake smile, and your hands on your hips. And when the moment comes and you are staring at your past eyeball to eyeball...........BLAWWWW... nothing goes as planned!
The past could be that past love you thought you were so over but with one hug or even a slight glance your heart melts all over again. Or it could be the battle with your drug of choice you thought you won and defeated but on second glance there you are back up against the ropes once again. It could even be that way of thinking you thought you buried with your past a long time ago but there it is back controlling your actions and thoughts.
Think about what is said about the past. Some of it is positive while some of it is negative. Some say we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, use them as stepping stones instead of burdens that bring our life to a place of disappointment, destruction, and depression. Others say we are supposed to look through our windshields and not our rear view mirrors forever pressing toward or goals, dreams, and wishes. One minute we are glorifying the past and the next we are trying to forget it ever existed. What are we suppose to do with our past? How should it help us grow into the person we are predestined to be? What if we want to re-live our past? Is this even an option to take? These are the questions that lead me to update my memoirs.
If I honestly take a look at my past relationships with diets, food, and exercise I always find comfort in my successful attempts! No matter how small they were or if I was able to sustain them. But this is bitter sweet because as I said before to have believed you won the battle and realized you were standing on the ropes with your hands raised in the air in triumph prematurely, is a place of disappointment. Not disappointed because you failed but disappointed because you are still in this same battle you thought was over. This battle has lasted for years and years. You decide on your attack plan (diet plan or way of healthy living) and you put your gloves on and then the bell rings. Twenty years later you are still fighting like it was the first round. Your plan of attack may change but you are still in the battle. So now I am at a place where I wonder will I ever win this battle. (Please no cheerleader pep talk right now! Sometimes we need to just face reality). Who knows! Maybe I am in the wrong battle (That is something I need to meditate on- UPCOMING: Fat Diva and The Wrong Battle) Am I in the wrong battle?
On a happier note! Sometimes the past gives you just what you need to spring you into your future. It reminds you of your tenacity to fight to the end! It reminds you of all of the positive attributes that you have been showered with through out your life. It reminds you that you don't have to stay down but you can get back up again!
So I am here today to say THANK YOU PAST! Thank you for reminding me that I am loved. Thank you for reminding me of why I am loved. Thank you for reminding me that I am special. Thank you for reminding me that I am the mountain top! Thank you for giving me the strength and courage to want to fight again! Although we have had our moments of disappointment and tears, you came through for me just when I needed you the most!
FatDiva is back in the ring but this time I am not on the ropes chanting my name prematurely, I am not jumping in fighting any opponent who enters within my kinesphere, I am not punching in poor form with only frustration to fuel my strength. But I am in my corner of the ring, with my hair pulled back, my gloves on tight, my eyes wide open, and my brain ready to prepare my next precise attack against my true opponents!
FatDiva Rule #26: A FatDiva cannot lose the battle or be defeated if she keeps getting back up! The fight is still on!
Lesson Learned: The past can come to restore what was!
Friday, May 14, 2010
I'm Back!!! Yes it has been a minute since I have written a blog. Life has been crazy and so has my eating. I was knocked out in the 8th round. ALthough I took some time off I am now back for the Battle of the Bulge II. I am done with school so I have no excuses (but I am sure I will have them anyway). So here are some updates...
I am now back on WW because... it works. This time I have a crew of girls at work to help me along the journey. (Shot-out to Tim and Keya) So far I am down about 2.8lbs which makes it a total of 22.2lbs total loss. By July I am suppose to be down 50lbs. I am not sure if that goal is realistic for the life I want to live. Let's face it, I like to socialize. I have events planned all through the summer already and most of them will involve food and drinks. I just have to stay on WW plan and I think I can at least be down 35lbs by then.
I am reading OA (kinda like AA but for overeaters). Figured I have tried everything else why not try to see what this is about. There are 12 steps in the book and I have only read through the introduction. I think that should be a step! Anyway...I will try and read at least a step or two a week for the next 12 weeks and see how it makes a difference in my Battle of the Bulge.
Well, This is enough for now. Keep up with my video blogs on facebook as well! This is your Fat Diva saying.... Enjoy the Journey!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
My name is Fat Diva and I am a Food Addict. An addict is defined as an act of being enslaved to a habit or practice. Some people deal with their problems, stress, or life in general by drinking or doing drugs. Food is my drug of choice. I get excited when I going to get something good to eat. This would not be an issue if the abuse of food didn't have a negative effect on my body.
Although I am a Fat DIVA I have the wonderful gift of being active. Yes I can dance and keep up with those Skinny Divas anyday and anytime. I am blessed with a job that keeps my heart rate going. Running around with little kids all day keeps me from developing most of the health issues other FatDivas are dealing with right now.
But as I get older this weight is not healthy for me or my skinny chicken legs. If you have ever seen them you would know they are a size 2 while my thighs on up to my head are a size 22 on a good day. The older and fatter I get the less I can wear my cute high heel shoes and I refuse to let my skinny Diva sister (she aint that skinny no more maybe average size) have them. That would kill me.
So if not for my health then for my fashion, I must lose weight. I need to lose at least 100lbs in order to be here for my hubby, family, friends, music students, and future children. If I don't do it now I probably won't do it at all. I have been on every diet known to man over the last twenty years. Only once did I lose a large amount of weight. I was focused and had lots of support. The more support the better I did on my eating habits. Writing and recording my thoughts has been a great way to deal with the issues of life.
So here I go! I will try and record a diary at least everyday and post at least once a week. So help me help myself! Check me out on Facebook and become a fan on my page Memoirs of a Fat Diva. I will be posting videos on Facebook because it is easier! I have three post already! Gooooo!! Enjoy the Journey
Fat Diva Rule #9: If you don't lose the weight for your health, at least do it for the closet full of cute shoes!
Lesson Learned: No matter how fat I am, I must always be a DIVA!!!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
While attending a function, I had to use the restroom. Of course there was a line at the ladies bathroom. While waiting in line I kept letting people go in front of me when a restroom became available. They didn't know my reasons. Maybe I was just being nice. Maybe I didn't like the person who just came out of that restroom. Maybe I was just being picky. Although all of those maybes are good guesses, I had my own personal agenda...To score a handicap restroom. Yes it is the best restroom facility for a fat diva.
Fat Diva Rule #7: When using a public bathroom always try to use the handicap stall!
There are two reasons why this stall is the best fit for a Fat Diva. First of all it has the most room. You don't have to throw your body in reverse and back in the stall because there is not enough room to turn around (Like in most of the stalls). You can walk in normally and actually have the room to do the really important things like.... Being able to wipe correctly (I know! Gross but we all do it and if you don't .. that is NASTY!!!. In some of the other stalls you barely have room to turn to do what you need to do. Sometimes it gets hot in there trying to do all that and makes you wish you would have just waited. Because when u come from the bathroom you look like you been working out because you are so Sweaty! I personally don't want that experience and if I can avoid it.. I do!! Fat Divas and sweat is another blog title!!
The second reason why a Fat Diva should be choose the handicap stall in a public restroom is ....THE BARS ON THE SIDE!!! Lets get real.. When you are at a public restroom hopefully you are not sitting on the toilet!! So when you squat down to use it (notice I said SQUAT) that is exercise. A Squat is an exercise term that requires the use of your hamstrings and quads. And to just pause on the downward motion of a squat requires much muscle work. Sometimes Fat Divas are not able to stay in that squat position long enough to release their bodily fluid. Therefore you get a little tinkle on your pants which is not how you want to continue your time at an event. So therefore...the BARS are like that personal trainer that helps that weight lifter when he or she is in trouble in weight lifting!! They are your spotter! In the case that you need assistance in your squatting the bars can help you hold your weight up while you try to handle business.
Some people may think it is not right for me to use that restroom because they think it is like parking in an handicap parking spot. Hmmm that is food for thought! I never thought about it like that. I am usually not in the restroom more than 5 minutes so I hope that I am not doing anything morally wrong!
So I hope you understand now when u see Fat Divas using the handicap stall. We are not being insensitive or rude but we are just using all of the resources available to us so that we can handle our business.
Lesson Learned: Fat Divas need to use all the resources that are available to us in order to do some of the everyday things! Including using the restroom in public places!
Smwah .. Enjoy the Journey!!!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The traditional form of slavery has been over for my people, African-Americans, for years and years and years now, but I still have a master that I serve. You may think I am speaking of God. I know Christians should have only one master and that is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ but I must confess I have another master. I serve him daily. I think about him constantly. I usually start my day with him and end my day with him. I feel happy if he shows me something good and I get sad when he shows me something bad. What this master tells me determines what kind of day I am going to have at times. I have tried to break free from the bondage of his hell for years but for some reason I keep going back.
Others judge me on by what my master says about me. My own doctor listens to the master and if the master does not produce the magic number she gives me a label. Her label is called, morbidly obese. Now I am not pretending to be a scholar when it comes to words but doesn’t morbid mean death. I have been given a death sentence based on a number. No test, no examine, and no conversation, just a number. This number that my master produces can even affect my health insurances, jobs, or even relationships. So now not only am I a slave to my master but my master now controls what others think of me as well.
This form of slavery is tricky because I am to blame for it. No one forced me to become its slave or is holding me here as a slave but I just can’t shake him. I have tried to throw him away and lock him up but it never works. I need for him to show me the number. My life has become surrounded by a number. Even when I declare my new healthy life style I always come back to my master to measure my success. A 20 dollar deal at Wally World has become ruler of my life. How sad is this. No matter how much progress I make, my master can erase all of it with one quick flash of a number. That is power. No person should have that much power over your life so why do I continue to allow my master, the scale, to do so.
Now for those who read this and think that I am going through a self hatred stage in my life please read it again. I am just being honest about one of the other masters I serve. For those who have never had this relationship with the scale then I can see how you may misinterpret my post. But mostly everyone has another master they serve. It may be alcohol, sex, cleaning, drama, work, or even a person. When was the last time you took an honest look at your master?
Fat Diva Rule #6: Find other ways besides a scale to measure your healthy living successes! Can you walk up the stairs now without being out of breath? Can you touch your toes? Can you cross your legs? Can you fit your seatbelt around you? Can you get into that size 16 dress you bought when you knew you were a size 20 thinking it was cut big?
Lesson Learned: Never be a slave to anyone or anything!
Smwah!! Enjoy the Journey!